Sometimes, almost right out of the blue words jump into my mind. They are words I hardly use in speaking or in writing and oftentimes rather long words that I’m surprised I even know. How do I know them and when did I learn? Some book when I was half paying attention, no doubt. These words (once I look most of them up) turn out to be exactly what I need to use for something I’m in the midst of writing or to perfectly describe someone’s character or attitude at that moment. Tonight that someone was me. The word, you ask? Despondency.
Why won’t this feeling go away? I tell it to leave. My soul wants to dance with Christ but He doesn’t dance in the darkness. I have ugliness and sin within but trying to conceal it I feel myself pulling inside of myself where there’s nothing but coldness and darkness; it’s not darkness that hides my sin from God but it’s darkness that keeps me from Him. It’s un-fulfilling. Despondency, discouragement, self-pity–I won’t settle for these things!
I have Hope abounding; I tell myself to remember and focus on it, renewing my hope. There is light all around me but someone is constantly trying to bring me to darkness. I noticed tonight I have once again started to listen. “No!” I say, I am running back to the Light. I will not crawl into the shadows to hide any longer, I will step into the light, let myself be exposed and I will join in an intimate, close dance with Christ.
“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” — 1 John 1:5-10