Thoughts swirling in my head

The stars are beautiful tonight, the air is crystal clear, the breeze bites ever so slightly and the silence of winter seems to fit the night—maybe because it’s fitting with my life right now.

I didn’t sleep well again last night so after dropping off around 3:30a I stayed in bed until mid-morning . . . which means I worked into the evening. I clocked out around 8:00p and promptly sat down to watch a movie and finish my sisters’ Christmas gifts. Now that’s accomplished and I feel very satisfied with what I did today.

My roommate and I have quite exhausted our small collection of movies so I’m dying to get my hands on “You’ve Got Mail,” or more preferably, “The Shop around the Corner” and “Roman Holiday.” I’ll be checking for each of these movies at the library very soon.

Any movie with Audrey Hepburn is pretty much my favorite, besides “Robin and Marian” (the ending is awful and Disney made a much better version). I admire and appreciate her grace, femininity, character, and beauty—inside and out.

This evening, as I stood in my kitchen polishing copper pans and pots for a lady I’m working for, my thoughts turned once again to my future. What will it be? How long will it be? Even next summer is a giant question mark for me right now. I have ideas, I have hopes but I hardly have plans. It’s not too hard to take a day at a time and see where things lead but then I wonder where yesterday went, and last month, and how could it nearly be New Years? What have I done with the time I’ve been given? I don’t want to fritter my time away waiting for some glorious ideal. What if my time is almost up? No, don’t say that’s an awful thing to say or think. Shouldn’t we all be saying it? Let’s not waste our days. I want to wake up each day supremely grateful for life. All too often aren’t we only thankful for our lives when they’re nearly ripped from our hands?

I really enjoy living in Colorado. The mountains are beautiful, especially under the soft snow of December but I don’t think their beauty could make me stay. I am looking forward to my trip back to Nebraska this weekend like none other and I am pretty sure I will move back near my family next year. It’s hard to decide though, now I have friends in both places who all want me to live near them and I do love my little apartment here by the mountains.


7 responses to “Thoughts swirling in my head

    • Good question which goes with a long answer. 🙂

      I guess it was mostly for the adventure and excitement. I was restless and discontent my last year or two in Nebraska so I thought change would be good. I often felt left behind as all my friends were traveling off to college and into their new lives. I’ve discovered, as Anne Shirley said, that “it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it.” The most daring acts I’ve done here in Colorado, besides learning to live apart from my family and supporting myself, are fixing a toilet, dying my hair and rock climbing. I’ll have to admit, one can’t rock climb in Nebraska very well but contentedness should have nothing to do with my circumstances and surroundings and life in Colorado really isn’t that much more interesting than life in Nebraska. Life is life and most days it’s pretty mundane. I am happy here, happier than I have been for a long time but lonely as well and I’m happiest now when I’m with my family. Right now I’m not sure where “home” really is but I know the people I love the most are in Nebraska.

      More practically speaking, I came here to help out one of my best friends. She is taking classes to become a Natural Chef and was a little daunted at the thought of coming out here all on her own. She needed to find someone to share an apartment (and the rent) with and I was worried about her having to live with some stranger so at my mom’s suggestion I just moved with her. The idea was brought up only six weeks before the move and in those few weeks I took two trips so I really didn’t consider the idea for long. I’m spontaneous though and the idea enthused me from the beginning.

      Now I’ve made good friends with the people in my house church group and at work so it will be hard to leave if I decide to do that next spring.

      I am very thankful for the time here. I desperately needed this time alone to think and make some changes in my life. It was hard to set aside the time for this when I was in the regular routine of family life–I felt like I was shutting my family out if I read or wrote alone in the basement instead of spending time with them upstairs in the evenings. I am lonely here but I’ve drawn closer to God, as well as my family, through this time.

  1. I think I get that. A fellow blogger asked me if I consider St. Louis home since I miss the ministry there. I told her, “No, but the people there are home,” just as the people here in Indiana are home…just as people in Kansas, Texas, Colorado, California, Florida, etc. are home.

    In the movie Garden State, the main character had this to say about home:

    You’ll see one day when you move out; it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

    This conversation resonated with me, but I would add one thing. That place that we miss is more real than anything we’ve ever known — it is the Kingdom of God. And we never truly experience “family” or “home” without it.

    I think you are blessed in the sense that your physical family is also an indispensable part of your spiritual family. But God seems to have given you an apostolic heart: one so ruined for the greater adventures of His Kingdom that it may separate you physically at times. Take hope in the fact that your “home” will continue to be wherever those like-spirited people may reside, even as God has given you the grace to move from place to place and the courage to separate yourself for a period. Not everyone is gifted to do this, nor is everyone willing. As for you, home will always be where His Kingdom is demonstrated, and you’re in the right to enjoy each of these locations in their own way, while removing yourself at times for His work and purposes.

    A friend taught me to deliver words from the Lord with the strength and clarity that He delivers them to me. So I don’t say this lightly when I proclaim to you that God will provide for you a family structure that perfectly compliments your willing heart. He will give you a husband and children equally geared towards this physical mobility…but more importantly, this spiritual unity. You will experience His Kingdom in every aspect of your “home life,” because this is where you will find rest — not in Colorado, or in Nebraska, or on Sunday, or during the holiday season — you will experience His Presence in every circumstance because the Kingdom you yearn for transcends physical time and space.

    I’ll be praying for clarity in your plans for next summer, whenever the Lord would bring that to the table. In the meantime, enjoy the season He has granted you today 🙂

    • Thank you for telling me your thoughts.

      I completely understand the quote from Garden State. I didn’t think of it or expect it as I left my home with my family last summer but a few weeks later (or days?) I realized I’ll never have it back the way I had before.

      You’re right. Our real home and “home” in the deepest sense of the word is in God’s Kingdom and ultimately heaven. I don’t want to search too hard for something that I ultimately can’t find here on earth. As you said though, it is in the presence and friendship with other believers (spiritual family) that this home may be felt the closest.

      Thanks for telling me what the Lord told you, it made me happy to read it. I greatly look forward to that part of my life.

  2. Pingback: Journeys take time. | Living Life Fully·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s